


He does not know how much I love him

by awesome_goddess_of_mischief



Series: Angsty Tony One-Shots [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Hurt Steve, Hurt Tony, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, Lovers to boyfriends, M/M, Steve Feels, Tony Angst, Tony Feels, steve is an idiot, tony is an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-05 22:56:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4198176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesome_goddess_of_mischief/pseuds/awesome_goddess_of_mischief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve and Tony love each other. If only they told each other that...</p><p>Tony and Steve have been sleeping together for weeks. So why do they both feel so empty? It's just sex. Right?</p><p>((Another Angsty Tony one shot, this is in no way related to the other fics in this series))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Steve

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this one weeks ago and posted it on my Instagram. And now I realised it fitted perfectly in this series. So enjoy.

Steve had a problem.

A big one.

He loved Anthony Edward Stark.

 

More than a year ago, the invasion happened. Steve had just woken up from the ice, from a different time, and was thrown in a group of superheroes.

He met the son of Howard, they didn't get along. He seemed arrogant, vain, self-centered... And just... He was just so... Handsome.

Oh yes. There was that.

Steve always had these stupid feelings, first Bucky, now Tony. No, not Tony, Mister Stark. He had to keep his distance. He didn't want his stupid, disgusting, revolting brain to screw things up between them by developing _feelings_.

But that was in the beginning. By now, the entire team had moved into Stark tower, and they were quite close. They had won many battles together, some easier than others. They had spent hours by each other's bedside after an injury, and days huddled on the couch to watch movies.

Steve had learned that being gay isn't bad. It doesn't make you a horrible person. It's not disgusting. It's not illegal anymore in most places.

Steve his brain was not wrong. He was not sick.

It was rather liberating.

So soon he became very close friends with Tony. He would be content to just sit in a corner of the workshop and draw as the other man worked his magic. Steve would bring him lunch and urged him to eat. He gently placed a blanket over him when he fell asleep on the couch.

And Tony taught him how to use modern day equipment. The engineer designed him a phone, especially made to fit with Steve and he was so grateful he baked a cake in return.

But none of that helped his problem.

Because Tony was perfect. He may seem harsh on the outside, but it was all fake, a mask. He was kind, and caring. He always made sure everybody got what they needed and much more. He pushed his own needs aside for that of others.

He was funny and handsome.

Rich and good in bed.

All the reasons the entire planet wanted to be with him. Even if it was just for one night.

 

Steve didn't want just a night. But he knew times had changed a lot.

And it was normal to have just a one time thing and move on. It's all Tony did before and after his short relationship with Pepper. So if that's all Tony would offer, it would be enough for Steve.

 

One night Tony was home, and on the edge of drunk. And Steve took his chance. Despite what many thought, he was not some blushing little virgin. He had been in the army dammit.

So he flirted with Tony, and eventually they ended up in bed together. It was amazing. Steve had loved it. And he felt guilty.

Being so close to the man he loved, for a little while he could pretend they were together. So when Tony fell asleep not long after having sex, he stayed for just a moment. He could lay in the other's arms, close his eyes, and imagine always sleeping like this.

But after a while he had to face the truth. Tony would never want this. Steve was clingy and wanted a committed relationship, while Tony would never want that. Especially not from him.

He was just a punk ass kid from Brooklyn who had slept with his best friend who was drunk.

He was a terrible person.

And that's when, after a few more moments of a bittersweet illusion, he left.

 

He carefully crawled out from underneath the blankets and gathered his clothes. He stopped in the door opening to throw the other man a last glance before leaving. He crawled into his own bed. And he didn't let the tears fall until his head was buried in his cold pillow. It was just a one time thing. Tony would move on to the next, pushing this away as just another fun night. If he even remembered.

 

And then it happened again. The battle was horrible. It lasted for hours. They were exhausted. Both had had too many close misses to be healthy. Pumped full of adrenaline they fell into bed together again.

And again, Steve slipped out. That way he didn't have to bother Tony into sending him away. He crawled into his own cold bed again.

Alone.

 

It became a thing.

After battles where one or the other had almost died, they would end up in bed together. Or a closet, or an empty conference room. And afterwards, they would both pretend nothing happened and they were just friends. Steve was unhappy. And it made him feel selfish. He had amazing friends, the most wonderful best friend ever, and said friend didn't mind sharing his bed multiple times with him. He should stop whining.

But he just felt so lonely.

So cold.

He wanted to have somebody to hold throughout the night. Someone to go on a date with, and buy roses. Someone to have a sleepy morning after breakfast with, and lazy kisses while watching a movie.

Tony didn't want that. Steve was sure about it. Else he would have asked already, the man could get anything he wanted. He only had to suggest it. Long story short, Steve got his act together and pretended to be happy. He shouldn't ask for more. And it was all fine, Tony looked happy, and that's what was most important.

Everything was _fine_...

Until the Punching Bag Accident.

Tony had almost died in front of Steve, he barely managed to push the other man aside. It scared him so much, the night that followed was filled with more emotion than ever before. From Steve's side of course.

It took him so much effort to leave, the sun was almost rising by the time he sneaked out. He felt terrible. So he snuk down to the gym to punch some bags, trying to relief some tension.

It didn't work.

He got a picture of Tony out of his pocket. He always carried one around.

He was pathetic like that.

He sat on the floor with a bag besides him and before he knew it, he had stuck the picture to it and was holding it close. It was sad. And he felt so embarrassed. But he could imagine he was holding Tony.

He heard a ripping sound and saw the sand pour from the bag. Damn. Sometimes he really hated his strength. He heard someone walk down the stairs and paled, he quickly grabbed his stuff and ran out the other door.

 

It wasn't until he was standing under a nice hot shower that he froze.

The picture was still attached to the bag.


	2. Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve doesn't Love Tony anyway. So he should just take whatever he can get and stop whining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't stop myself from posting. Send help.

Tony had a terrible problem.

He loved Captain Steven Grant Rogers.

It had been more than a year since Reindeer Games walked in with his glowing cube and brought destruction on Manhattan. 

He met his childhood hero. The man he had posters of, hidden away in an old dusty box. Captain America. 

They didn't get along. 

He seemed righteous, loyal, full of justice, patriotic... And so freaking hot. Oh yes. There was that. 

Steve was like perfection in a suit too tight to be legal. Broad shoulders and an amazing ass. But that was in the beginning. By now, he had invited the entire team to move into Stark tower, and they were quite close. Maybe he had only invited them so Steve would be closer... Maybe... A little. 

They had won many battles together, some easier than others. They had spent hours by each other's bedside after an injury, and days huddled on the couch to watch movies. 

He had helped Steve to learn about the future, pushing his own needs aside to help the other man. He made him a phone especially for him. Extra easy to use. And in return a cake was put down in front of him a few days later. 

He slowly learned what it was like to put someone else before himself. It was rather liberating. 

 

So soon he became very, very close friends with Steve. He would work on his suits and pretend he wasn't watching Steve draw in the corner. He didn't know why he sat there when Tony had filled an entire room with all supplies any artist could want, and it had a gorgeous view over New York. But somehow he chose to spend his time down here. Well... Tony wasn't going to complain. Even if the Captain only stayed to make sure he didn't screw anything up, again, he could pretend he was there because he sort of cared. 

But he had a huge fucking problem now. 

Steve was smart and hot.

A good man and a great storyteller. 

All the reasons the ent ire planet wanted his attention. Even if it was just a second. Or a single night. Tony didn't want just a second or a single night. He wanted to be together forever. Hold hands and go on date nights. The whole freaking package. But he wouldn't get that. He would only get one sweet, teasing, and amazing night. 

It's all Tony ever got. 

So if that's all Tony would take. He wouldn't push the other man into something he didn't want. And Iron Man had learned a long time ago it was stupid to hope for more than he deserved. 

 

One night Tony was home, and a bit tipsy. So he started flirting. Naturally. He had expected much, except what happened afterwards. It was amazing.

Tony had loved it.

Being so close to the man he loved, for a little while he could pretend they were together. So when Tony fell asleep not long after having sex, he slept better then he had in years. For a moment, for a brief, amazing, agonising, moment, he hoped.

He hoped Steve would maybe want more than just this one time thing. And he smiled in his sleep as he cuddled close to the other man's chest. But then he woke up the next morning. For a split second he couldn't remember what had happened the night before. But then it all came back. And the bed was empty... He looked towards the bathroom hoping the light would be on. Even though he knew the answer already. 

The bed was cold after all. Maybe he had dreamt it? "J...? Last night...?" He didn't even have to finish the question to get his AI to understand him. 

"Captain Rogers left the bedroom after your activities approximately an hour after you had drifted off to sleep Sir." The British voice managed to sound both compassionate and a hint angry.

He crawled out of his bed and stumbled to the bathroom. It was just a one time thing. Steve wouldn't want him. He barely managed to make it to the toilet on time.

 

 

And then it happened again. 

The battle was horrible. It lasted for hours. They were exhausted. Both had had too many close misses to be healthy. Pumped full of adrenaline they fell into bed together again. And again, Tony woke up alone.

His bed cold and his heart aching. 

 

It became a thing. 

After battles where one or the other had almost died, they would end up in bed together. Or a closet, or an empty conference room. And afterwards, they would both pretend nothing happened and they were just friends. 

Tony was slowly falling apart. But he wouldn't stop. He would take whatever Steve would give him. He was just an egocentric asshole like that. Besides, this whole friends with benefits thing they had going on would only last until Steve found someone to settle with anyway. And maybe if he pretended to be glad with what was going on now, they could still be friends when that happened.

So he pretended he was happy. He flirted around a little and kept his playboy act up. His masks were more present then they had ever been. So much that even Pepper had thrown him a few worried looks already. He ignored her. He was fine... Everything was _fine_... Until the Punching Bag Accident. 

 

Tony had almost died in front of Steve. But the Captain had saved his life just in time. It scared him so much, the night that followed was filled with more emotion than ever before. 

From Tony's side of course. 

For a moment he thought he would die without ever telling the other man how he felt. How much he loved him.

And then he woke up alone again. 

He felt terrible. So he spent hours in his workshop. Trying to forget his stupid emotions and burry them far far away. It didn't work. 

So he decided this was enough. He couldn't do this anymore. His heart was shattered so many times it felt as if only dust had remained. He gathered every last inch of his courage and walked downstairs to the gym where Jarvis had told him Steve was working out. Just as he walked in he heard the other door slam shut. Was Steve running from him...? 

And then he saw the bag... The punching bag with his picture attached to it. 

The _broken_ punching bag... He sunk to his knees and let the tears he had held back for so long pour down his cheeks. He buried his face in his hands as he kept wondering what he did wrong? What did he do to make Steve hate him so much? And more importantly...

How would he fix it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of creating a story with all my imagines as chapters. What do you think?


	3. Mission: What the hell happened to Tony and Steve?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other people in the tower worry about their resident genius and Captain. What happened to the pair?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just so damn happy with all the lovely comments I got from you guys :*  
> I actually didn't want to post until next week, but well... I couldn't let you guys wait any longer.  
> Enjoy!

_One week later..._

 

"This is enough. Nat, we have to do something about this. Tony has been hiding away in his workshop, and Steve has been running three marathons each day. This isn't normal anymore." Clint exclaimed during breakfast one day.

The other assassin nodded in agreement. "Yes. Their pining has gone on for long enough. It's obvious they love each other. And I don't get why they aren't just dating. Neither is the type to sleep around casually."

"Bruce? What do you think?"

The scientist sighed and took his glasses off. "I know I said we shouldn't interfere in the beginning... But now... I think someone needs to talk to them to see why they aren't dating. So, how about Clint goes to talk to Tony. And Natasha goes to talk to Steve. Then we meet up and see what's going on later today." They both nodded and set off to put their plan into working.

|-•-•-°-•-•-|

Clint easily found Tony yelling at his bots in the workshop as he dropped from the vents. "No, the left one. Seriously Dum-E. I am going to change you into a toaster." He yelled. "Completely useless." He mumbled. And Clint wondered who it truly was he was talking about.

"Hey Stark." Hawkeye suddenly said and the other man turned around with a curse.

"Fucking hell Barton. You can't sneak up on people like that. And especially me. My tower, my rules. No sneaking up on people." He rambled.

"We need to talk." Clint blurted out. Subtle wasn't his thing.

"No we don't. I didn't figure you the talking type. Do you want to braid each other's hair and eat cookie dough as well?" He sneered.

Standard defense mechanism to push people away, stop them from penetrating his shields. Clint realised. "Yeah of course. And paint each other's toe nails." He answered easily as he fell down on the couch. "Now let it out iron _can_. What has gotten your panties in a twist and why aren't you on a date with your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend." Tony quickly pointed out. "Never was, never going to be." He said just a little too bitter.

"So... You two were just hanging out every day and fucking each other's brain out while not dating? Sure." Clint fired back.

"Never heard of friends with benefits Barton!" He snapped.

"With you? Maybe. But with him? I don't think so." Hawkeye easily answered.

"How... Well... You're wrong! He doesn't want anything more. He just wants another way to relieve some after battle adrenaline. Some stress relief. And that's fine. That's what I'm here for, aren't I?" He yelled. "All I'm good for." He muttered so soft another wouldn't have heard it. But Clint had special hearing aids. And could easily capture the words.

"If you say so." The agent said calmly before getting up and walking to the door. "Tones? What really happened?" He asked softly. It stayed silent so long he thought he wouldn't get an answer anymore but then...

"I found a broken punching bag. With my face on it." Tony whispered before going back to his bots. Clint slipped out with a rather pale face. Surely the captain hadn't...? He shook his head. No. He would wait for Natasha before he would form his judgement.

|-•-•-°-•-•-|

Natasha found Steve just as he came back from his first round of running, on his way to his room to shower. "Rogers, sit down. We have to talk." She snapped.

He paled at the look on the female agent her face and immediately sat down. "What's wrong?" He asked worried and confused.

"You tell me Steve. You haven't been at a single breakfast all week."

"So? People eat breakfast out all the time."

"Yes. But not you. You make your own pancakes because it makes you feel like home." She said calmly.

He sighed defeated and glared. "I'm fine Natasha."

"I never said you weren't. You did just now. So cut the bullshit and tell me why you've been whining in your room for the past week." She snapped.

He buried his face in his hands and brushed a hand through his hair. "I messed up." He mumbled. At the unimpressed raised eyebrow he got he continued. "You must know about the... thing... between Tony and me?" He asked.

"I do. You have mentally scarred a few junior agents with your tendency to have sex in conference rooms." She said calmly.

He blushed bright red. "It's not..." He sighed. "Never mind. I just screwed up. Tony is the type to have a casual relationship and I don't want to push him away. It's not like he cares anyway. And I just had to be some pathetic whiner and chased him off." He mumbled. Natasha frowned before abruptly turning around and walking off. She had the feeling she knew exactly what was wrong.

|-•-•-°-•-•-|

"So... It seems you both found something." Bruce said from where he looked up from his tablet when both assassins bursted in.

"Tony..."

"Steve..."

He held his hand up. "Not at the same time. Nat, ladies first."

"Steve believes Tony wants nothing but casual sex and feels horrible because of it. I highly believe he wants more. And he probably loves Stark."

Clint cursed softly and Bruce nodded. "Alright, well done, Clint? What did Tony tell you?"

The archer sighed. "He told me he thinks he is just Steve his stress relief. Noting his body language I would say he doesn't like it and wants more. Everyone knows how clingy he was around Pepper." He told them.

Bruce sighed. "I found something as well." He mumbled. "The thing that explains why they both cracked." Before they could ask what he already typed something on his tablet and a video feed opened on the nearest screen. On it you could see Steve hugging a sand bag with...

"Is that a picture of Tony?" Clint asked.

"Yes... But wait. It gets worse." The bag cracks and Steve looks heartbroken. He hears someone coming and speeds off. As he disappears Tony walks in.

"Oh god..." Natasha whispers as they watch Tony fall to his knees by the cracked bag with his face on it. The video stopped and Bruce grimaced. "I asked Jarvis if he knew what happened... And... Well..."

"Tony thinks Steve hates him..."

"...and Steve thinks Tony doesn't want him."

"We have to fix this." Natasha stated.

 

"But how...?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter, just one more after this.


	4. It ends how it ends, and we can't change that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers are fired of Tony and Steve's whining. They are going to fix this. Right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, it's a little shorter than the others. I just hope it won't disappoint. Enjoy!

"Hey... Nat... Let me go! I won't... No... Hey!" Tony yelled when Natasha dragged him from the workshop and to a small room.

She pushed Tony inside and locked the door behind him. He banged the door a few times while yelling at Jarvis to let him out.

"Tony...?"

Said man swallowed thickly. Steve. She locked him up in his art studio. Tony reluctantly turned around and faced the other man. "Hey Steve-O. How are you?" He asked while trying to appear casual.

"I'm... I'm fine..." He cleared his throat. "What are you doing here? I thought you had that new project...?"

"Oh... Yeah... Natasha dragged me here? I don't know what she wants. So I'll just pick the lock and be out of your-"

"No you won't." Natasha, Clint, and Bruce appeared on a screen. They all looked seriously annoyed and worried.

"You two are going to talk." Clint said.

"And we won't let you out until you have both figured this out." Bruce added.

"Oh come on. Not you Brucy bear! Just let me out." Tony almost pleaded. He really couldn't be do close to Steve right now. His heart just couldn't handle it yet. He needed some more time to make it tougher, to put some more iron on it.

"Here's the thing. Steve, Tony thinks you don't want him because he isn't good enough for you and you're only using him as stress relief." Natasha stated calmly while the blood drained from the two men their faces. "Tony, Steve thinks you don't want him because you only have casual sex and will never want a steady relationship."

"Long story short, you are both miserable while you obviously love each other and we've had enough." Clint snapped.

"Just... Fix it alright? Just talk." Bruce said softly before breaking the connection.

 

Tony collapsed on a chair and looked down. "You... You think I only want casual sex?" He asked after a very long silence.

Steve swallowed thickly. "I thought... These days... It's normal to..." He sighed. "Yes I did." He concluded softly. "You think I only... I only want you for... Stress relief?" He asked pained and barely audible.

Tony shrugged and looked up to match Steve his gaze. "Yeah... Yes I do."

Steve swallowed thickly. Tony used present tense. "But... Why?" He asked confused. It stayed silent for a long time before a barely audible answer was whispered.

"Because what else would someone as perfect as you want with someone as old and worn as me? Sex is all I can offer you. And even then..." He huffed. "I never got it. You can have anyone you want. I knew it would only be time until you would figure that out and move on. So... I... It's fine. Really. I took what I could get as selfish as I was and just... Rolled with it."

Steve choked back a sob before pulling Tony in a hug and holding him silently while making sure he didn't crush him. Tony froze for a few seconds before letting his shields down and hugging back. He let a few tears fall but neither men commented on it. "I want more than casual, Steve." He whispered.

"And so do I." Steve agreed before blushing a little. "Anthony Edward Stark, will you go on a date with me?" He asked with a small grin.

Tony choked on a laugh and kissed Steve briefly on his lips. "I would love that Stephen Grant Rogers." He whispered.

They held each other while Clint, Bruce, and Natasha drunk on their victory.

 

"Hang on..." Tony asked. "But... The punching bag... It had... My face on it." He mumbled.

Steve blushed furiously. "Yeah... I ehm... Cuddled with it." He mumbled softly while the blush spread to his ears.

Tony blinked a few times before laughing and burying his face in the other man's neck. "Oh god I love you Capcicle." He said without thinking.

"I love you too Tony." The captain said fondly and pulled Tony in a kiss.

 

"So..." Bruce said in the other room, looking at Natasha and Clint over his glasses. "When are you two going out?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame the legth and quality of this on the fact that I wrote it months ago, and that I can't write happy things XD

**Author's Note:**

> I really like comments ;)


End file.
